According to a survey of Christian counselors, the three most common marriage counseling books they ask their clients to read and discuss have little to no Biblical principles. (Johnson, pg 190). In fact, one of these popular self-help books, Men Are from Mars, Women Are from Venus (aff link) by Dr. John Gray, is completely secular with no mention of God or Christianity. If we are going to learn from this book and others like it, we need to read them with a Christ-centered perspective.
This integration of secular and Christian should include an explanation of how the world views human relations, how Christians are to see human relations and marriage through a Biblical perspective, and what advice Christians can take from the secular perspective and use for the success of their marriages. With a simple change of perspective we can take books like these, separate the good from the bad, and learn something helpful from them.
Non-Christian society views humanity and its needs and desires through different eyes than those of a believer. Much popular advice begins with putting “self” first. American culture, especially, has a strong sense of entitlement. Something is good only as long
as it does not hinder or change what “I deserve” or “what is best for me.” The
focus is on the person, and because of this marriage self-help advice tends to
promote taking care of our own needs first, instead of focusing on what is best
for ours spouses.
Such simple things as “the right to
watch TV”(Gray, pg 124) are framed in the context of entitlement, and that an
individual can and should get angry or perturbed over not being allowed to fulfill
themselves as they wish. However, the purpose of self-fulfillment, in the case
of Men are from Mars is sought with
the idea of meeting an individual’s personal needs first before attempting to
meet the needs of another. “A Man becomes fully receptive to and appreciative
of the [love] needed by women [after] his own primary needs are first
fulfilled”(Gray, pg 134).
Dr. Gray gives his advice within
the context of fairness. In fact, in Men
are from Mars, Dr. John Gray creates a complex point-scoring system for men
and women to better understand how to give equal amounts of love (197).
Unfortunately, this foundation of self-gratification cannot heal relationships.
A popular celebrity recently left her marriage because, “I love myself enough
to walk away”(Radar). Although some of the advice found in these books is
helpful in understanding how men and women think about relationships, a we must
first understand their inherent self-centered approaches that do not reflect a
Biblical worldview.
If we want to use popular marriage
self-help books, we need to only use them with a clear understanding of how
fallen people are. All husbands and wives need to understand how every human
relationship, including marriage, is intrinsically broken. Humanity does not
just make sinful choices; humanity is sinful in its very essence (Isaiah 64:6,
Romans 3:10-18). To say someone is human is to say there are corrupt and fallen
and cannot have goodness apart from God’s grace (Romans 3:23, 5:12).
This changes our perspective on
such things like rights, fairness, and holding oneself too highly. If the self
is broken, then it makes no sense to build a marriage on the self. To have
success in our marriages we have to build our foundations on Christ. As the
marriage progresses the way a couple approaches their problems should not be to
put their own needs first, but to mirror Christ. This means marriage relationships
must not have an attitude of selfishness, but one of selflessness.
Christ’s act on the cross was one
of pure sacrifice (John 15:13). When God calls Christians to marriage, He calls
them to live in light of what God has done on the cross. Ephesians 5:25 says, “Husbands,
love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her”(NASB95).
God also calls wives to “submit to” and “respect” their husbands. This means
that spouses are not to live in such a way that they are keeping track of how
many “points” their mate have scored before they can return the favor. Christ
gave up everything for the good of His bride, the church, before the church
ever gave up anything for Him. Spouses are to mirror this attitude by loving
their spouses sacrificially.
Couples get to focus on grace
instead of fairness because people are not entitled to anything. People do not
deserve respect because they are “naturally good” but because God gave them worth
when He made them in His image (Genesis 1:27, James 3:8-9) and because God
loved people enough to give up His own son, Jesus Christ (John 3:16). This type
of respect is the most valuable and long lasting.
Now with a
clear understanding of the nature of secular marriage self helps, such as Men are from Mars, and an adequate
perspective of how Christians should approach human relationships, we can use
these books to supplement our marriage growth. Books like these are not a quick
fix, even the Christian ones. Marriage problems often need help that “will
require more time and patience than [the couple] is willing to give”(Hudson 58).
But marriage also needs creative ideas (Hudson 36), and these popular books
offer creative solution.
Men
are from Mars’s main idea is that men and women are intrinsically
different. They even “speak different languages”(Gray 59). This is an example
of a valuable truth, explained by a secular psychologist, which can benefit a
Christian marriage. God did not create people “male and male” but “male and
female.” We can use any appropriate material that explains this difference to
help us interact with our spouses in a more loving and nurturing way. But we
also need to understand that the foundation of these self-helps is not going to
be based on Christ. Scripture calls us to build our marriages on Christ, and
although this is not the easiest or quickest foundation to build upon, it is by
far the firmest (2 Timothy 2:19).
Want a good Christian-marriage book that already has its
foundation in Christ? Try 
by Timothy Keller or Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happy
by Gary Thomas (aff links).
by Timothy Keller or Sacred Marriage: What If God Designed Marriage to Make Us Holy More Than to Make Us Happyby Gary Thomas (aff links).
Bibliography
Gray,
John. Ph.D. Men are From Mars, Women are
From Venus: A Practical Guide for Improving Communication and Getting What You
Want in Your Relationships. Ney York, NY: Harper Collins Publishers, 1992.
Print.
Johnson, Brad. The Pastor’s Guide to Psychological
Disorders and Treatments. New York, NY: Haworth Pastoral Press, 2000.
Print.
New American Standard Bible: 1995 Update
(LaHabra, CA: The Lockman Foundation, 1995), Eph 5:22–33.
Radar Staff. Jennifer Lopez. RadarOnline.com. Date
Published: Aug 2, 2011, Date Accessed: Oct 1, 2011. <http://www.radaronline.com/exclusives/2011/08/jennifer-lopez-i-
love-myself-enough-walk-away-marriage-now>.
Earth Pic by: WoodleyWonderWorks (Org. Nasa)